Why I couldn't ever do it for anyone else...

There comes a time in everyone's life where they are faced with decisions that they'd like to do for all the wrong reasons.  Changing my lifestyle to be more healthy has been staring me in the face for awhile.   But like with most things in anyone's life, we do them for the wrong reasons. Being skinny isn't a reason to lose weight, especially since I've been plus sized most of my adult life.  Losing weight to look better for a potential partner isn't a reason to do it, because why worry about the opinions of others about your body.  Heck, even getting healthier for the kids isn't a reason to do it, because eventually the kids will move away and your motivation seems like a silly thing.

But yesterday, I was sitting reflecting on my birthday weekend and how much fun I had and what life had brought me so far.  I realized that for the first time in a long time that I was happy with much of my life.  Sure, I'm single, but that is by choice.  Sure, I have occasional financial struggles, but I have a job I like and I can support my kids.  Sure, I don't have a lot of friends who live close by, but I have fierce friends who I talk to every day. 

However, my health was a little concerning. Sure, I feel okay RIGHT NOW, but how will I feel when I turn 40, when the weight is much harder to lose and my body isn't as easy to get moving.  Why am I allowing myself to continue to have pizza 3x a week and eat out way too often when it's both cheaper and tastier to eat at home?  Sure, I can keep making excuses for why I ate this or didn't go to the gym,  but that's all they are, excuses.

No, I needed to get healthy, for me.  To feel better, to look better, to be able to wear that dress and not feel weird or guilty.  To be able to take a picture with my kids and not arrange them around me so as to hide my body.  To be able to go to the zoo and walk the whole thing and not feel completely exhausted afterward.  To be able to meet new people and worry less about how they are reacting to my body. To be able to have goals in my life that don't pertain to work, or to the kids, that are for me and me alone.

So, I'm sitting here today, writing this with four goals in mind.  My first goal is to go to the gym 3x a week.  Even if at first it's a shorter amount of time, I must make that commitment.  My second goal is to lose 2 dress sizes.  The weight isn't much a concern for me because it says little about what is actually going on in my body, but dress sizes can be easily measured.  My third goal is to complete a food journal on myfitnesspal every day for a month (and hopefully by then it will become a habit).  My fourth and final goal (for now) is to stay positive when I have setbacks.  I often give up when I have a setback and it just sets me back that much farther.  I realize that these goals are fairly small, but the most important part is they are attainable and they are something that will work toward a greater goal.  I'm not completely positive what that greater goal is yet, but I'm moving toward it.

I'm writing this all out because I want to be held accountable, mostly to myself and for myself. It's easy to say these things in your head and then never follow through.  Much like the time I made a new years resolution to run before church on Sundays and then told the kids during Children's sermon about it.  I didn't run every Sunday, but I knew they'd ask me every Sunday and that seemed to motivate me.  So, I'm asking all you wonderful folks out there in internet land to hold me accountable.  Even if I'm snippy about it, I promise I'm grateful for the love and support.

How I got a better self image OR Why I deleted my workout quotes board on Pinterest.

It takes a lot of time and change in your life to realize that you are not what the scale says. Society tells us that we are measured in how we look, dress, and how much we weigh. Also in how much money we make and how educated we are. The truth of the matter is, we are only measured in how we view ourselves and how those who love us measure us. My kids, they measure me in how much time I spend with them and how many kisses and hugs I give them. My husband measures me in how hard I work, how much I love our kids, and how well I cook meals. (Among other things). When I first realized how my poor self image was affecting the people around me, including my children, it was through a post on facebook. I had never realized the impact that the words of loved ones can eventually have on your own life. I knew as the future mother of a daughter, that I could not continue to see my self worth as a number on a scale. Sure, I had been a long standing member of the group of people who feels fat shaming is wrong and stand boldly against it in my social media presence. However, what this all comes down to, is ignoring the media all together and being comfortable with who you are. According to my BMI, I am considered morbidly obese. I don't look morbidly obese or feel that way, yet a chart tells me that I am. Society tells me that "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", well let me tell you, when I was "skinny", I "felt" way worse than I do now. What do I feel now? I feel empowered, loved, and important. I feel that my self image is important and I work to get out of the mentality of feeling "less than" because of my weight. If I want to enjoy something fattening, I will. Do I want to be healthy? Certainly. However, there is a big difference between being healthy and being "skinny" and I get to decide that. I have lower blood pressure than most very fit people that I know, in fact. My workout quotes on Pinterest tended to focus on how if I just worked out hard enough then I would be "good enough" and that is a problem. Beauty and self worth do not come from miles ran or calories burned. They come from the inside and the people that you surround yourself with and the images that you let effect how you live your life. Maybe it is wishful thinking or maybe not, but I hope that others find a word of inspiration in this post.

Bed time brawl

Bed time is the absolute worst time in this household. It can take HOURS to get to bed. Last night it was over 1 hour and 15 minutes before ethan finally gave out. After getting cashews. Zonked right out.

screaming, kicking, pushing.
last night after giving ethan a hug he pushed me to the ground and screamed, NO! in my face.

we're working through another book to help with problems. im hoping eventually i can keep my calm most days. some days it's still so hard.

when you feel like crying...

Today we went out to do some Christmas shopping for secret santa gifts, a small gift for Daddy for Christmas and to get ethan a new llama book and a nookbook card for andrew and I. When we made it to Barnes and Noble I was pleased to see they had a train table for ethan to play with while I was looking for a book that wasn't avaliable on nook.

I should have known this was going to cause trouble, but I didn't think too hard because it was making my shopping a bit easier. I let Ethan play for a bit, warned him he had two minutes until we were leaving and then said, "Ok, time to go get lunch!" (he was hungry and thirsty before we got there...). Total, epic, awful, otherworldly meltdown. He kicked, screamed, hit, pushed, ran away, cried, etc etc etc. In the middle of Barnes and Noble. Everyone started staring, glaring, sighing, rolling their eyes. I put down the things we had picked out (no way am I waiting in line) and we make our way to the car.

As I am trying to get ethan in his carseat (he's resisting something fierce) a woman comes to get in her car. She hears Ethan screaming, sees him kicking, looks right at me and ROLLS HER EYES! I am so mad. I've tried every method. I say i'm sorry to ethan, explain to him what he's feeling (Sad, upset, etc) and that I know it's hard to leave, but we have other things we need to do.

This woman is judging something she knows nothing about and I'm about to burst into tears. how dare she judge me! how dare she roll her eyes at my child! but you know what? oh well. I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

And an update on Kellan...

Kellan is getting so big! He's doing things at a slower pace than Ethan did (thank goodness!) but it's so amazing to watch him grow. He's pulling up and cruising a little. Sitting up. Army crawling everywhere. He says mama. He has started trying to wave. He's a pretty calm child for the most part. But he loves to get into stuff too. He adores his older brother. He loves when Andrew gets home from work. He loves seeing me after I get home from class. He's so loving.

Just figured out...

One of the things about having a spirited child is that it will either be a really good day or a really bad day. no in between. Usually how the day starts tells me which it will be, but there are some other factors that come into play.

How many potty accidents directly correlates to the mood Ethan is in. I've finally figured out that Ethan, on bad days, is no intentionally not making it to the potty on time or "getting back at us". He simply gets too distracted with the details on those days. He can't pull himself away from a puzzle, then he runs to the bathroom. He opens the door, turns on the light, shuts the door, then tries to get off his pants. And usually by that point, he ends up peeing on the floor.

How he treats Kellan. He gets in Kellan's face. He pushes him down. He gets possessive of toys, food, crayons, etc.

How he treats me. He yells, kicks, screams, is contrary on normally "non-issue" items. Throws things (including toys, chairs, food, etc) when told no or told something that he doesn't want.

Today is one of those days. I will have to fight to keep him from getting too intense (an active problem we are trying to work on). If he gets too intense, he will meltdown. A meltdown for Ethan is different than most toddler meltdowns I've seen. It will last at least 20 minutes, but can last until nap time (in which case, he will wake up screaming or in a horrible mood). This includes screaming at everything, getting destructive, getting violent, uncontrolled bowel movements occasionally. Nothing will make him happy until he decides or he can calm down.

We're muddling through this and it seems to be helping. He did a puzzle today (today is a bad day) and didn't get too frustrated to continue. I'm seeing some improvements every day.

Reasons why you should never take a spirited child...ANYWHERE

We had our first doctor visit since Kellan has been out of the bucket seat and Ethan being potty trained, that also coincided with having to wait in the waiting room. Normally our pediatrician gets us right in to a room and then I can let the boys play, etc. They were particularly busy (start of cold/flu season I'm sure) and so we had to wait. First I had to pay. Ethan behaved. Then he had to go potty. Had to trudge all the way down the hall only to hear "NO POTTY NO POTTY!" and screaming and fit throwing. then more fit throwing when he realized we weren't just going to leave.

Back to the office. Now another family is in the waiting room. I sit down. I sit kellan down. Ethan walks out the door. I run after him (leaving kellan for literally 4 seconds). Bring Ethan back. Other mom gives me weird look. Ethan plays for a bit, then starts getting "fussy". He walks back out the door (why doesn't this door LOCK?). I pick up kellan and follow, try to coerce him back in the office. He kicks and cries. We go back in. Other family is now glaring. I'm embarrassed on one level, but on another I'm thinking "WHAT THE HECK, have you never had a two year old, this is normal two year old behavior...at least I think it is..."

Ethan says he has to go potty again. I start to get up and then we're called to a room. He starts begging and whining to go potty when we get in there, but am I really going to give up our place in "line" for this. So I bust out a diaper and ask him to go in one. Then he hides behind the chairs unless i drag him out for the rest of the appointment.

It seems like when I take both boys by myself somewhere, 9 times out of 10 it is a disaster. I know it's mostly just being a two year old, but he's so big that it's hard to make other people understand that he's only two.

Another week finished...

We've finished another week of being parents. Of being parents of a spirited child. Of trying to re-learn everything we once knew. It's both easy and hard. it's easy to love a child. it's easy on good days to like a child. it's impossible to remember both those things during the horrible moments. Ethan kicked and hit Kellan this week (a new thing). He's also started the typical (I'll do it myself thing) two's- three's issues. We set a plan to work on his intense behavior, which can range from "no's" (normal), to screaming and kicking and crying and wetting our pants because we don't want to put socks on (not normal).

Some of the techniques are working, some are not. We're working on catching the escalation earlier so we can do these things before we have a meltdown.

Hilarious story (for all the rest of you, not so much for me). Ethan likes the snow princess episode of Dora and randomly noticed that we have a snowman ornament that stays on our shelf year round (give to us by a family friend to celebrate Ethan's birth...it's breakable). He wanted it. He needed it. SNOW MAN SNOW MAN SNOW MAN! Fit. screaming. tears. and he wouldn't let it go. so we got in the car in search of a new snowman! We went to Dollar Tree (the kid has way too many toys as it is, i'm not buying an expensive snowman on a whim), however, none of those snowmen were good enough. *sigh* So after daddy got off work, we went to walmart and found one. And now he could care less.
*sigh*

The beginning of something different

Today has been a bad day. As good as yesterday was. As fulfilling and loving and wonderful and perfect as yesterday was. Today is the opposite. He wakes up early, while we try to drag out of bed, he doesn't want yogurt, he wants chicken. He doesn't want daddy to dress him, he wants mommy. Where's Olli? He naps shorts today. Has multiple accidents (accident free yesterday!) and seems determined to find every activity that he's not supposed to do. Mommy's doing homework, let's through the books across the room.

As I sit here in tears, I can't help feeling like a terrible parent. Today is better though, I haven't yelled or gotten angry, just felt frustrated and confused.

Life with a spirited child. I thought for sure there was something wrong with him. Ethan has always been a roller coaster of emotions. Cries loud with real tears, belly laughs, squeals in delight. He cannot be diverted from a task that he wants to do or convinced to do something he doesn't want to do. He remembers details of the world that I have no hope of remembering myself. (Saturday we went to the zoo and he remembered the hawk we had seen in the tree the last time we were at the zoo, he didn't know why the hawk wasn't there anymore)

He gives the biggest sweetest hugs to the people he knows, but doesn't like meeting new people. Trunk or treat was a nightmare. There are so many aspects of his life that I thought were "just being a toddler" that aren't. Yes, he has some typical toddler behavior, but there is a lot of things that aren't. He constantly moves, even in his sleep. Always has. Even as a baby he would cry for hours in his room if you let him. There was no "crying it out" for him. If he decided he wanted milk, he would cry until he got it.

I've started reading up about things to expect and things to do and it seems to help. I spotted that today was going to be a bad day this morning. I tried hard to make it not be, but Ethan didn't get the memo.

I would never try to explain away bad behavior (hitting is never ok), but I will explain to you why he reacts in such away (squeals over exciting things). I'm hoping to use this blog to write about the trials and triumphs we see over time. It's like meeting my child again for the first time. He's new and different and not just trying to annoy me or be stubborn.

:)

Life with two is full of challenges and incredibly heartfelt moments. I'm so full of love these days that I feel like my heart could burst at any moment. Having two babies (yes, ethan will always be my baby) is such a joy.

now, if i could just get ethan to stay healthy and not have some crazy disease (HFM, roseolla, recurring ear infections, milk intolerance, PLC, etc etc) and have kellan outgrow his reflux. and win about $20,000 (see i'm not greedy) then life would be just about perfect.

The big change!

I'm amazed. Life is so different when you are breastfeeding straight from the tap! 1. I always get the cuddles. no matter what! 2. it makes leaving the house so much easier. no planning around eating time. 3. it makes me feel more connected with both my children. there is more quiet time with both of them. 4. it makes me feel needed! 5. it forces me to sit back and rest and take care of myself so that i can take care of my boys.

The story of Kellan

Got into bed on Wednesday night (March 9th) about 11:30 and had been having contractions on and off all day. I decided to lay down to try and sleep through them. I put on my hypnobabies track to try to fall asleep, I made it to the relaxation part and felt weird movement in my belly, then he kicked my bladder. At first, I thought I'd peed myself, i started to get up and said to andrew, "either I peed myself or my water broke...(and then i started gushing) yeah...my water just broke." It went everywhere, it was gross. We headed to hospital about an hour later and met Jamie there.

My nurse (kippy..yes, her name really was kippy) was a jerk, she insisted I get an IV and then after an hour of monitoring insisted that we start pitocin. She wouldn't let me get out of bed to labor and was eventually the reason that I had to get internal monitors. I started the pitocin at about 4-5am. Got the internal monitors about 8am (my doc placed them and she was PISSED at the hospital/staff).

At about 11am they had upped the pitocin considerably but contractions wouldn't stay consisitent, however, they were awful. I couldn't bring myself to labor out of bed at that point. We still laughed and joked between contractions and were still feeling positive...until they checked me. ONly 2-3 centimeters...same as when I got there. The upped the pitocin again.

I was moaning/yelling/crying through contractions and yelling NO when they started. I asked them to check me (about 1) and said if I wasn't progressing, I wanted the epi....i was still at a 2-3. SO we got the epi, which was a ray of freaking sunshine when you're having off the chart contractions 2 minutes apart. Jamie was freaking amazing with all her techniques we tried before that to decrease pain and get focused. So we continued upping the pitiocin and then got checked about 3 or 4. I was at 5 centimeters (loose) so we felt there was some improvement. I maxed out on the pitocin allowed for VBAC patients, but still wasn't having consistent contractions.

At 7pm they checked me again, still a 5. So, we called the doc. At 8pm doc called me back, told me this was not normal for labor, I should have progressed more. Asked me if I'd consent to a repeat c-section. No one ever made me feel bad for my decision or that it wasn't a choice. So, doc came in, we got prepped for surgery.

Went into the OR and I was feeling pretty good because I trusted Dr. M so much more than the past doc. They got started and I couldn't calm down, had to have anxiety medicine. K was born at 9:16pm weighing 8lbs 3oz and 21 1/4 inches long. Doc stopped and let me look my fill at him before they took him across the room. His apgars were 9 and 9.

At this point, I was convinced that I could feel pain (it was likely just hard pressure) so they gave me more pain meds. Andrew came and sat with K next to me. Surgery went really quick and we were back to the room with Jamie. They took out my epi quickly and then I was allowed to nurse K. He ate on both sides and then I got to watch his first bath. No family came to visit until the next morning so we had the whole night to get to know him. I feel amazing. Feel confident about my birth. People always seem so sad for me, but I'm not.

It's gonna be a good year...

HOLY MOLY! it seems like just yesterday 2010 started. and seems like 4-5 hours ago I found out I was pregnant again!
Now, I'm 30 weeks along and it's mere hours until 2011!
Ethan is growing up so quickly. He's into everything (and climbing a ton) and talking up a storm! I so enjoy this stage, but every stage is my favorite one.
Kellan will be here in about 2 months. I won the bet with Andrew on if it would be a boy or girl. He's kicking up a storm in my belly right now (he loooove apples, which is a great, healthy choice for me, too!)

The VBAC plans are still going well. I'm trying to stay on top of my blood sugar, but I figure I will have to switch to insulin within the next week or two. I hope to avoid it if I can though...

Thoughts on the birth of Ethan

As I sat, looking through the pictures of another beautiful birth story, I couldn't help but feel sad and mad and angry and a little queasy. I didn't get that beautiful birth story. I didn't get to be the first person to hold my baby. Heck, I was the last person in the room to see him. I didn't cry tears of joy when I heard him cry for the first time (which is incredible when you think about it, as I'm the biggest crier in the world almost). I didn't get to smile in his face and let people take pictures of his first moments while Andrew stared lovingly at both of us. I was robbed. I trusted the wrong person to help me make decisions about the birth of my child and I laid on an operating table while someone clinically cut me open, ripped out my son, handed him off to someone who took him across the room. I listened to him cry for me. I listened to the nurses talk to my baby while I laid there, numb, not just from the chest down, but all over. My husband cut the cord and I didn't see it. He took Ethan's first picture and I didn't see it. He picked him up and held him and I couldn't see it.

This time, it has to be different, things have to be different. I can't take this pain two times in a row. I love Ethan with all my heart and I'd go through that surgery another thousand times if it meant he'd be here safely now. But it isn't fair. It isn't right. People tell me to "get over it", but I can't and I won't. I'm making my life better and my experience better, because now I know better. Pictures of a baby's first moments should be one's of joy for everyone, but mostly, seeing other people's happy moments makes me feel sad and hurt and a little numb again.

This picture is my favorite and least favorite picture. It should be different, I should be in it.

And another one bites the dust...

Andrew and I are expecting another bundle of joy in late February or early March! Due to my previous stories (read my previous posts) we are super happy that this didn't take as long, though the timing isn't perfect. I'm hoping for a VBAC this time around. I got a new doctor and I love her! Well, I love her staff so far, I haven't met her yet.

We are working on getting finances completely in order so this is easy to deal with financially. It's going to be an interesting few months and I'm excited to see where things go from here.

The Road to Ethan's birthday.

Now that I've blogged about how I got pregnant, I figured it'd be interesting to see how I got to Ethan's birthday. The long road called pregnancy! At 16 weeks, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I had been steadily losing weight so they wanted to check things out (especially since I didn't throw up my entire pregnancy). I kept my gestational diabetes under control by diet alone until I was 35-36 weeks pregnant, when I went on pills to level out my morning sugars.

We moved to Saint Louis when I was about 18 weeks and I got a new OBGYN. From the first time I met her, she had decided I was having a c-section. I believed they had my due date wrong all along (about two weeks later than it actually was) and that's why I was measuring big, but overall she was a very supportive OB and said "we'll see". She didn't like GD patients to go much past 39 weeks because of complications. At 38 weeks, I had an ultrasound. Ethan was measuring at 41 weeks + and my placenta was showing signs of dying. The choice was made for me to schedule a c-section for the next week.

On the morning of June 16th , I got up bright and early and we went to IHOP for breakfast (around 5am), my c-section was scheduled for 6:00pm. I started having bloody show and contractions about that time and knew that either way at the end of the day I was probably going to have a baby. I tried to nap and couldn't, I was so excited and in a little bit of pain. After checking into the hospital and waiting for the doc (getting the IV and all that) she came in and was very surprised to see that I was having contractions, but on we went with the c-section.

When I got into the OR, I got the spinal block, once they laid me down I became very sick and told the anesthesiologist. He gave me blood pressure medicine, saying that my blood pressure had dropped really low. When the first dose didn't help at all, he gave me a second dose. At that point I had become loopy and Andrew walked into the OR and said, "why do you have that doofy looking smile on your face?" I just laughed at him.

At 6:30pm exactly, Ethan was here! He took a gulp of amniotic fluid right before coming out and so he didn't cry right away. One quick suction and I heard him and teared up. At that point, everything happened so fast. Andrew stood up to go see him and the nurses whisked him to the other side of the room. No one bothered to show him to me. His apgar scores were 8, then 9. He was too big for the regular scale (read: too long) so they got another one out and I got to see him. It was love at first sight!

When we left the OR, I got to hold him, and he opened up his beautiful brown eyes and looked right at me. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

OLD POST--From February 2008

I have PCOS. What is that most people ask, well I've put together a blog so you will know. This disease is a big part of my life, so before you go making fun of some of the syptoms I have, know that it is most likely part of my disease, and not me not taking care of myself. I am sensitive to the fact that I can't get pregnant, and have been trying for almost two years, and I'm really sensitive to the fact of people asking all the time when we are having kids.

Here are some facts about PCOS:
What is polycystic ovarian syndrome?
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), also known by the name Stein–Leventhal syndrome, is a hormonal problem that causes women to have a variety of symptoms.
What are the symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)?
The symptoms of PCOS include:
• infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
• infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating
• increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes—a condition called hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um)
• ovarian cysts
• acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
• insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
• high cholesterol
• high blood pressure
• male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
• skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• pelvic pain
• anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility
• sleep apnea—excessive snoring and times when breathing stops while asleep

Clomiphene citrate (Brand names: "Clomid" or "Serophene"). Clomid is taken for 5 days early in your cycle to stimulate ovulation. Clomid may not be effective if taken for more than six menstrual cycles.
There is some evidence to suggest it may increase your risk of ovarian cancer if taken for 12 or more cycles. Clomid also has a number of side effects including bowel problems, headache, dizziness, blurred vision, depression, and more.
After taking Clomid for up to six cycles, it is reported that you have a 30% chance of becoming pregnant. (1)
Metformin (Brand name: Glucophage). Metformin is an insulin-sensitizing agent that is sometimes used in conjunction with Clomid. Metformin may increase your fertility to the extent that it reduces insulin resistance, and thus helps to normalize insulin. Too much insulin reduces your fertility. For more information, please go to our Metformin page.

My road to Ethan

Andrew and I tried for Ethan for two years. This included learning how to take my BBT (basal body temperature), learning more about PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), learning about cervical mucus, taking Metformin, taking Clomid, and finally dieting to lose some weight. This road was so long and so hard, especially after the PCOS diagnosis and failed fertility treatments. I endured comments like "Your baby will come when you are ready", "Enjoy your childfree life now", "You'll get pregnant when you deserve it", "Just relax, it'll happen when you do". So on and so forth.

One night in tears I explained to Andrew that I thought he was going to divorce me because I couldn't have a baby. He reassured me we would have a baby, whether we adopted or whatever. We looked into adoption and into things like IVF and realized that we would have to wait for quite some time before we could afford those types of things.

So, in September I made an appointment with my PCP (primary care physician) to go back on birth control. My doctor had to cancel due to a death in the family. I was so mad, I just wanted to be on birth control to control my emotions and know that I couldn't be pregnant. I rescheduled the appointment and talked about going to planned parenthood for the birth control.

One night, Andrew and I watched Baby Mama (btw not a very funny movie for me), and I bawled and bawled and Andrew held me and told me "Someday...". Now mind you, at this point we had decided to wait until after I finished seminary (I was starting in January) to start trying again to have a baby.

The next day I was SO thirsty, like, I drank 4 glasses of water before lunch. My co-worker (who was pregnant at the time) said, "I bet you're pregnant". I laughed at her, but decided to buy a pregnancy test (i should have bought stock in them, really). I came back to work with the test, went to the bathroom POAS (peed on a stick) and thought I saw two lines...At this point, I knew that I "saw" things when looking at pregnancy tests so I packed it in my pocket and went back to our (mine and my co-workers) office. She was on the phone and I asked "Is this what I think it is?" She was like "OMG, you are pregnant!"

I wanted to call my mom first, but knew I had to call Andrew. He was in shock and didn't/couldn't say much. Next, I called my mom and she was super excited, but trying not to be.

The next several weeks were filled with worry. I had some first trimester bleeding and was put on bed rest/pelvic rest. I was terrified that my little baby was going to be gone before I could enjoy it and I did whatever I could to help. As you probably have figured out, nothing bad happened and I have my wonderful little boy!

In my next blog, I'll tell more about my pregnancy and the road to and day of Ethan's birth.

I'm out of school for the summer! woooO!

time to focus on ethan and photography.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.