Why I couldn't ever do it for anyone else...

There comes a time in everyone's life where they are faced with decisions that they'd like to do for all the wrong reasons.  Changing my lifestyle to be more healthy has been staring me in the face for awhile.   But like with most things in anyone's life, we do them for the wrong reasons. Being skinny isn't a reason to lose weight, especially since I've been plus sized most of my adult life.  Losing weight to look better for a potential partner isn't a reason to do it, because why worry about the opinions of others about your body.  Heck, even getting healthier for the kids isn't a reason to do it, because eventually the kids will move away and your motivation seems like a silly thing.

But yesterday, I was sitting reflecting on my birthday weekend and how much fun I had and what life had brought me so far.  I realized that for the first time in a long time that I was happy with much of my life.  Sure, I'm single, but that is by choice.  Sure, I have occasional financial struggles, but I have a job I like and I can support my kids.  Sure, I don't have a lot of friends who live close by, but I have fierce friends who I talk to every day. 

However, my health was a little concerning. Sure, I feel okay RIGHT NOW, but how will I feel when I turn 40, when the weight is much harder to lose and my body isn't as easy to get moving.  Why am I allowing myself to continue to have pizza 3x a week and eat out way too often when it's both cheaper and tastier to eat at home?  Sure, I can keep making excuses for why I ate this or didn't go to the gym,  but that's all they are, excuses.

No, I needed to get healthy, for me.  To feel better, to look better, to be able to wear that dress and not feel weird or guilty.  To be able to take a picture with my kids and not arrange them around me so as to hide my body.  To be able to go to the zoo and walk the whole thing and not feel completely exhausted afterward.  To be able to meet new people and worry less about how they are reacting to my body. To be able to have goals in my life that don't pertain to work, or to the kids, that are for me and me alone.

So, I'm sitting here today, writing this with four goals in mind.  My first goal is to go to the gym 3x a week.  Even if at first it's a shorter amount of time, I must make that commitment.  My second goal is to lose 2 dress sizes.  The weight isn't much a concern for me because it says little about what is actually going on in my body, but dress sizes can be easily measured.  My third goal is to complete a food journal on myfitnesspal every day for a month (and hopefully by then it will become a habit).  My fourth and final goal (for now) is to stay positive when I have setbacks.  I often give up when I have a setback and it just sets me back that much farther.  I realize that these goals are fairly small, but the most important part is they are attainable and they are something that will work toward a greater goal.  I'm not completely positive what that greater goal is yet, but I'm moving toward it.

I'm writing this all out because I want to be held accountable, mostly to myself and for myself. It's easy to say these things in your head and then never follow through.  Much like the time I made a new years resolution to run before church on Sundays and then told the kids during Children's sermon about it.  I didn't run every Sunday, but I knew they'd ask me every Sunday and that seemed to motivate me.  So, I'm asking all you wonderful folks out there in internet land to hold me accountable.  Even if I'm snippy about it, I promise I'm grateful for the love and support.

How I got a better self image OR Why I deleted my workout quotes board on Pinterest.

It takes a lot of time and change in your life to realize that you are not what the scale says. Society tells us that we are measured in how we look, dress, and how much we weigh. Also in how much money we make and how educated we are. The truth of the matter is, we are only measured in how we view ourselves and how those who love us measure us. My kids, they measure me in how much time I spend with them and how many kisses and hugs I give them. My husband measures me in how hard I work, how much I love our kids, and how well I cook meals. (Among other things). When I first realized how my poor self image was affecting the people around me, including my children, it was through a post on facebook. I had never realized the impact that the words of loved ones can eventually have on your own life. I knew as the future mother of a daughter, that I could not continue to see my self worth as a number on a scale. Sure, I had been a long standing member of the group of people who feels fat shaming is wrong and stand boldly against it in my social media presence. However, what this all comes down to, is ignoring the media all together and being comfortable with who you are. According to my BMI, I am considered morbidly obese. I don't look morbidly obese or feel that way, yet a chart tells me that I am. Society tells me that "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels", well let me tell you, when I was "skinny", I "felt" way worse than I do now. What do I feel now? I feel empowered, loved, and important. I feel that my self image is important and I work to get out of the mentality of feeling "less than" because of my weight. If I want to enjoy something fattening, I will. Do I want to be healthy? Certainly. However, there is a big difference between being healthy and being "skinny" and I get to decide that. I have lower blood pressure than most very fit people that I know, in fact. My workout quotes on Pinterest tended to focus on how if I just worked out hard enough then I would be "good enough" and that is a problem. Beauty and self worth do not come from miles ran or calories burned. They come from the inside and the people that you surround yourself with and the images that you let effect how you live your life. Maybe it is wishful thinking or maybe not, but I hope that others find a word of inspiration in this post.

Bed time brawl

Bed time is the absolute worst time in this household. It can take HOURS to get to bed. Last night it was over 1 hour and 15 minutes before ethan finally gave out. After getting cashews. Zonked right out.

screaming, kicking, pushing.
last night after giving ethan a hug he pushed me to the ground and screamed, NO! in my face.

we're working through another book to help with problems. im hoping eventually i can keep my calm most days. some days it's still so hard.

when you feel like crying...

Today we went out to do some Christmas shopping for secret santa gifts, a small gift for Daddy for Christmas and to get ethan a new llama book and a nookbook card for andrew and I. When we made it to Barnes and Noble I was pleased to see they had a train table for ethan to play with while I was looking for a book that wasn't avaliable on nook.

I should have known this was going to cause trouble, but I didn't think too hard because it was making my shopping a bit easier. I let Ethan play for a bit, warned him he had two minutes until we were leaving and then said, "Ok, time to go get lunch!" (he was hungry and thirsty before we got there...). Total, epic, awful, otherworldly meltdown. He kicked, screamed, hit, pushed, ran away, cried, etc etc etc. In the middle of Barnes and Noble. Everyone started staring, glaring, sighing, rolling their eyes. I put down the things we had picked out (no way am I waiting in line) and we make our way to the car.

As I am trying to get ethan in his carseat (he's resisting something fierce) a woman comes to get in her car. She hears Ethan screaming, sees him kicking, looks right at me and ROLLS HER EYES! I am so mad. I've tried every method. I say i'm sorry to ethan, explain to him what he's feeling (Sad, upset, etc) and that I know it's hard to leave, but we have other things we need to do.

This woman is judging something she knows nothing about and I'm about to burst into tears. how dare she judge me! how dare she roll her eyes at my child! but you know what? oh well. I'm doing the best I can with what I have.

And an update on Kellan...

Kellan is getting so big! He's doing things at a slower pace than Ethan did (thank goodness!) but it's so amazing to watch him grow. He's pulling up and cruising a little. Sitting up. Army crawling everywhere. He says mama. He has started trying to wave. He's a pretty calm child for the most part. But he loves to get into stuff too. He adores his older brother. He loves when Andrew gets home from work. He loves seeing me after I get home from class. He's so loving.

Just figured out...

One of the things about having a spirited child is that it will either be a really good day or a really bad day. no in between. Usually how the day starts tells me which it will be, but there are some other factors that come into play.

How many potty accidents directly correlates to the mood Ethan is in. I've finally figured out that Ethan, on bad days, is no intentionally not making it to the potty on time or "getting back at us". He simply gets too distracted with the details on those days. He can't pull himself away from a puzzle, then he runs to the bathroom. He opens the door, turns on the light, shuts the door, then tries to get off his pants. And usually by that point, he ends up peeing on the floor.

How he treats Kellan. He gets in Kellan's face. He pushes him down. He gets possessive of toys, food, crayons, etc.

How he treats me. He yells, kicks, screams, is contrary on normally "non-issue" items. Throws things (including toys, chairs, food, etc) when told no or told something that he doesn't want.

Today is one of those days. I will have to fight to keep him from getting too intense (an active problem we are trying to work on). If he gets too intense, he will meltdown. A meltdown for Ethan is different than most toddler meltdowns I've seen. It will last at least 20 minutes, but can last until nap time (in which case, he will wake up screaming or in a horrible mood). This includes screaming at everything, getting destructive, getting violent, uncontrolled bowel movements occasionally. Nothing will make him happy until he decides or he can calm down.

We're muddling through this and it seems to be helping. He did a puzzle today (today is a bad day) and didn't get too frustrated to continue. I'm seeing some improvements every day.

Reasons why you should never take a spirited child...ANYWHERE

We had our first doctor visit since Kellan has been out of the bucket seat and Ethan being potty trained, that also coincided with having to wait in the waiting room. Normally our pediatrician gets us right in to a room and then I can let the boys play, etc. They were particularly busy (start of cold/flu season I'm sure) and so we had to wait. First I had to pay. Ethan behaved. Then he had to go potty. Had to trudge all the way down the hall only to hear "NO POTTY NO POTTY!" and screaming and fit throwing. then more fit throwing when he realized we weren't just going to leave.

Back to the office. Now another family is in the waiting room. I sit down. I sit kellan down. Ethan walks out the door. I run after him (leaving kellan for literally 4 seconds). Bring Ethan back. Other mom gives me weird look. Ethan plays for a bit, then starts getting "fussy". He walks back out the door (why doesn't this door LOCK?). I pick up kellan and follow, try to coerce him back in the office. He kicks and cries. We go back in. Other family is now glaring. I'm embarrassed on one level, but on another I'm thinking "WHAT THE HECK, have you never had a two year old, this is normal two year old behavior...at least I think it is..."

Ethan says he has to go potty again. I start to get up and then we're called to a room. He starts begging and whining to go potty when we get in there, but am I really going to give up our place in "line" for this. So I bust out a diaper and ask him to go in one. Then he hides behind the chairs unless i drag him out for the rest of the appointment.

It seems like when I take both boys by myself somewhere, 9 times out of 10 it is a disaster. I know it's mostly just being a two year old, but he's so big that it's hard to make other people understand that he's only two.