It's gonna be a good year...

HOLY MOLY! it seems like just yesterday 2010 started. and seems like 4-5 hours ago I found out I was pregnant again!
Now, I'm 30 weeks along and it's mere hours until 2011!
Ethan is growing up so quickly. He's into everything (and climbing a ton) and talking up a storm! I so enjoy this stage, but every stage is my favorite one.
Kellan will be here in about 2 months. I won the bet with Andrew on if it would be a boy or girl. He's kicking up a storm in my belly right now (he loooove apples, which is a great, healthy choice for me, too!)

The VBAC plans are still going well. I'm trying to stay on top of my blood sugar, but I figure I will have to switch to insulin within the next week or two. I hope to avoid it if I can though...

Thoughts on the birth of Ethan

As I sat, looking through the pictures of another beautiful birth story, I couldn't help but feel sad and mad and angry and a little queasy. I didn't get that beautiful birth story. I didn't get to be the first person to hold my baby. Heck, I was the last person in the room to see him. I didn't cry tears of joy when I heard him cry for the first time (which is incredible when you think about it, as I'm the biggest crier in the world almost). I didn't get to smile in his face and let people take pictures of his first moments while Andrew stared lovingly at both of us. I was robbed. I trusted the wrong person to help me make decisions about the birth of my child and I laid on an operating table while someone clinically cut me open, ripped out my son, handed him off to someone who took him across the room. I listened to him cry for me. I listened to the nurses talk to my baby while I laid there, numb, not just from the chest down, but all over. My husband cut the cord and I didn't see it. He took Ethan's first picture and I didn't see it. He picked him up and held him and I couldn't see it.

This time, it has to be different, things have to be different. I can't take this pain two times in a row. I love Ethan with all my heart and I'd go through that surgery another thousand times if it meant he'd be here safely now. But it isn't fair. It isn't right. People tell me to "get over it", but I can't and I won't. I'm making my life better and my experience better, because now I know better. Pictures of a baby's first moments should be one's of joy for everyone, but mostly, seeing other people's happy moments makes me feel sad and hurt and a little numb again.

This picture is my favorite and least favorite picture. It should be different, I should be in it.

And another one bites the dust...

Andrew and I are expecting another bundle of joy in late February or early March! Due to my previous stories (read my previous posts) we are super happy that this didn't take as long, though the timing isn't perfect. I'm hoping for a VBAC this time around. I got a new doctor and I love her! Well, I love her staff so far, I haven't met her yet.

We are working on getting finances completely in order so this is easy to deal with financially. It's going to be an interesting few months and I'm excited to see where things go from here.

The Road to Ethan's birthday.

Now that I've blogged about how I got pregnant, I figured it'd be interesting to see how I got to Ethan's birthday. The long road called pregnancy! At 16 weeks, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I had been steadily losing weight so they wanted to check things out (especially since I didn't throw up my entire pregnancy). I kept my gestational diabetes under control by diet alone until I was 35-36 weeks pregnant, when I went on pills to level out my morning sugars.

We moved to Saint Louis when I was about 18 weeks and I got a new OBGYN. From the first time I met her, she had decided I was having a c-section. I believed they had my due date wrong all along (about two weeks later than it actually was) and that's why I was measuring big, but overall she was a very supportive OB and said "we'll see". She didn't like GD patients to go much past 39 weeks because of complications. At 38 weeks, I had an ultrasound. Ethan was measuring at 41 weeks + and my placenta was showing signs of dying. The choice was made for me to schedule a c-section for the next week.

On the morning of June 16th , I got up bright and early and we went to IHOP for breakfast (around 5am), my c-section was scheduled for 6:00pm. I started having bloody show and contractions about that time and knew that either way at the end of the day I was probably going to have a baby. I tried to nap and couldn't, I was so excited and in a little bit of pain. After checking into the hospital and waiting for the doc (getting the IV and all that) she came in and was very surprised to see that I was having contractions, but on we went with the c-section.

When I got into the OR, I got the spinal block, once they laid me down I became very sick and told the anesthesiologist. He gave me blood pressure medicine, saying that my blood pressure had dropped really low. When the first dose didn't help at all, he gave me a second dose. At that point I had become loopy and Andrew walked into the OR and said, "why do you have that doofy looking smile on your face?" I just laughed at him.

At 6:30pm exactly, Ethan was here! He took a gulp of amniotic fluid right before coming out and so he didn't cry right away. One quick suction and I heard him and teared up. At that point, everything happened so fast. Andrew stood up to go see him and the nurses whisked him to the other side of the room. No one bothered to show him to me. His apgar scores were 8, then 9. He was too big for the regular scale (read: too long) so they got another one out and I got to see him. It was love at first sight!

When we left the OR, I got to hold him, and he opened up his beautiful brown eyes and looked right at me. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

OLD POST--From February 2008

I have PCOS. What is that most people ask, well I've put together a blog so you will know. This disease is a big part of my life, so before you go making fun of some of the syptoms I have, know that it is most likely part of my disease, and not me not taking care of myself. I am sensitive to the fact that I can't get pregnant, and have been trying for almost two years, and I'm really sensitive to the fact of people asking all the time when we are having kids.

Here are some facts about PCOS:
What is polycystic ovarian syndrome?
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), also known by the name Stein–Leventhal syndrome, is a hormonal problem that causes women to have a variety of symptoms.
What are the symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)?
The symptoms of PCOS include:
• infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
• infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating
• increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes—a condition called hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um)
• ovarian cysts
• acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
• insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
• high cholesterol
• high blood pressure
• male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
• skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• pelvic pain
• anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility
• sleep apnea—excessive snoring and times when breathing stops while asleep

Clomiphene citrate (Brand names: "Clomid" or "Serophene"). Clomid is taken for 5 days early in your cycle to stimulate ovulation. Clomid may not be effective if taken for more than six menstrual cycles.
There is some evidence to suggest it may increase your risk of ovarian cancer if taken for 12 or more cycles. Clomid also has a number of side effects including bowel problems, headache, dizziness, blurred vision, depression, and more.
After taking Clomid for up to six cycles, it is reported that you have a 30% chance of becoming pregnant. (1)
Metformin (Brand name: Glucophage). Metformin is an insulin-sensitizing agent that is sometimes used in conjunction with Clomid. Metformin may increase your fertility to the extent that it reduces insulin resistance, and thus helps to normalize insulin. Too much insulin reduces your fertility. For more information, please go to our Metformin page.

My road to Ethan

Andrew and I tried for Ethan for two years. This included learning how to take my BBT (basal body temperature), learning more about PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome), learning about cervical mucus, taking Metformin, taking Clomid, and finally dieting to lose some weight. This road was so long and so hard, especially after the PCOS diagnosis and failed fertility treatments. I endured comments like "Your baby will come when you are ready", "Enjoy your childfree life now", "You'll get pregnant when you deserve it", "Just relax, it'll happen when you do". So on and so forth.

One night in tears I explained to Andrew that I thought he was going to divorce me because I couldn't have a baby. He reassured me we would have a baby, whether we adopted or whatever. We looked into adoption and into things like IVF and realized that we would have to wait for quite some time before we could afford those types of things.

So, in September I made an appointment with my PCP (primary care physician) to go back on birth control. My doctor had to cancel due to a death in the family. I was so mad, I just wanted to be on birth control to control my emotions and know that I couldn't be pregnant. I rescheduled the appointment and talked about going to planned parenthood for the birth control.

One night, Andrew and I watched Baby Mama (btw not a very funny movie for me), and I bawled and bawled and Andrew held me and told me "Someday...". Now mind you, at this point we had decided to wait until after I finished seminary (I was starting in January) to start trying again to have a baby.

The next day I was SO thirsty, like, I drank 4 glasses of water before lunch. My co-worker (who was pregnant at the time) said, "I bet you're pregnant". I laughed at her, but decided to buy a pregnancy test (i should have bought stock in them, really). I came back to work with the test, went to the bathroom POAS (peed on a stick) and thought I saw two lines...At this point, I knew that I "saw" things when looking at pregnancy tests so I packed it in my pocket and went back to our (mine and my co-workers) office. She was on the phone and I asked "Is this what I think it is?" She was like "OMG, you are pregnant!"

I wanted to call my mom first, but knew I had to call Andrew. He was in shock and didn't/couldn't say much. Next, I called my mom and she was super excited, but trying not to be.

The next several weeks were filled with worry. I had some first trimester bleeding and was put on bed rest/pelvic rest. I was terrified that my little baby was going to be gone before I could enjoy it and I did whatever I could to help. As you probably have figured out, nothing bad happened and I have my wonderful little boy!

In my next blog, I'll tell more about my pregnancy and the road to and day of Ethan's birth.

I'm out of school for the summer! woooO!

time to focus on ethan and photography.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

I'm so ridiculously late updating this!

Soooooooooooooooooo much has happened in the last month! I can't believe it's been a month since I updated!

I have started taking tons of pictures. And i have my first "job" with photography for David's first birthday party! yay! I love taking pictures and I've finally got enough "extras" with my camera to take some great pics.

Ethan is walking! Everywhere.

he also has started saying dada, mama, and baba. he knows what 'cheering' is, thanks to the cardinals game we went to on sunday.

hopefully he starts clapping soon! and getting some other "communication" stuff would be awesome.

I haven't updated in a long time! ethan is cruising around the living room. standing on his own and taking a few steps. he had his first ear infection, but wasn't all that fussy or mean when he had it. no fever or tugging at his ears. so strange! he is starting to enjoy toys, but would still rather play with a sock. he's completely on a sippy cup now, no more bottles! And he waves now, too!

i shall update more soon, but i wanted to post a new picture of ethan. he's too cute!

Ethan had another playdate with another BBC mom and her son Oliver. They had a great time. Good thing they are both bullies or it would be awkward, because Ethan likes to pick on other kids.

he is into everything. and i mean everything.
that's all for now.

I fear Ethan will be the death of me. He became proficient at crawling and pulling to a stand the same week. He is into EVERYTHING. Luckily I had already babyproofed most of the apartment, so now it's just the battle of keeping everything picked up!

His sleep is slowly getting better so hopefully it will continue to improve. Though last night he only got up twice, I woke up at least 4 times and couldn't figure out why, now I know it was the normal times that he wakes up!

So I got several new to us diapers online and I got several new bum genius as well. So far every "new" diaper I've put ethan in, he's pooped. I guess he's testing them out for me. I absolutely *LOVE* the happy heinys that we have. And if we ever have another child, I'll be using those! They are SOOOOO soft!

Things are going pretty well on the "green" front. I'm hoping that it keeps going pretty well, too.

Ethan officially crawls and gets everywhere. Ethan loves to stand around, too.

My new years resolution.

My New Years Resolution is to go more green:
Today is my first day of going completely cloth! That means, cloth diapers all day and cloth wipes for everything from diaper changes to cleaning up Ethan's face.

We're buying another set of dishes to avoid paper plates and plastic silverware. We're getting a basket to put in the kitchen so I can use dish towels instead of paper towels.

I'm working on making our own wipes.

We're switching to more "earth friendly" cleaning products.

I'm hoping to find some other things that we can do, but I think those are a great start!