The big change!

I'm amazed. Life is so different when you are breastfeeding straight from the tap! 1. I always get the cuddles. no matter what! 2. it makes leaving the house so much easier. no planning around eating time. 3. it makes me feel more connected with both my children. there is more quiet time with both of them. 4. it makes me feel needed! 5. it forces me to sit back and rest and take care of myself so that i can take care of my boys.

The story of Kellan

Got into bed on Wednesday night (March 9th) about 11:30 and had been having contractions on and off all day. I decided to lay down to try and sleep through them. I put on my hypnobabies track to try to fall asleep, I made it to the relaxation part and felt weird movement in my belly, then he kicked my bladder. At first, I thought I'd peed myself, i started to get up and said to andrew, "either I peed myself or my water broke...(and then i started gushing) yeah...my water just broke." It went everywhere, it was gross. We headed to hospital about an hour later and met Jamie there.

My nurse (kippy..yes, her name really was kippy) was a jerk, she insisted I get an IV and then after an hour of monitoring insisted that we start pitocin. She wouldn't let me get out of bed to labor and was eventually the reason that I had to get internal monitors. I started the pitocin at about 4-5am. Got the internal monitors about 8am (my doc placed them and she was PISSED at the hospital/staff).

At about 11am they had upped the pitocin considerably but contractions wouldn't stay consisitent, however, they were awful. I couldn't bring myself to labor out of bed at that point. We still laughed and joked between contractions and were still feeling positive...until they checked me. ONly 2-3 centimeters...same as when I got there. The upped the pitocin again.

I was moaning/yelling/crying through contractions and yelling NO when they started. I asked them to check me (about 1) and said if I wasn't progressing, I wanted the epi....i was still at a 2-3. SO we got the epi, which was a ray of freaking sunshine when you're having off the chart contractions 2 minutes apart. Jamie was freaking amazing with all her techniques we tried before that to decrease pain and get focused. So we continued upping the pitiocin and then got checked about 3 or 4. I was at 5 centimeters (loose) so we felt there was some improvement. I maxed out on the pitocin allowed for VBAC patients, but still wasn't having consistent contractions.

At 7pm they checked me again, still a 5. So, we called the doc. At 8pm doc called me back, told me this was not normal for labor, I should have progressed more. Asked me if I'd consent to a repeat c-section. No one ever made me feel bad for my decision or that it wasn't a choice. So, doc came in, we got prepped for surgery.

Went into the OR and I was feeling pretty good because I trusted Dr. M so much more than the past doc. They got started and I couldn't calm down, had to have anxiety medicine. K was born at 9:16pm weighing 8lbs 3oz and 21 1/4 inches long. Doc stopped and let me look my fill at him before they took him across the room. His apgars were 9 and 9.

At this point, I was convinced that I could feel pain (it was likely just hard pressure) so they gave me more pain meds. Andrew came and sat with K next to me. Surgery went really quick and we were back to the room with Jamie. They took out my epi quickly and then I was allowed to nurse K. He ate on both sides and then I got to watch his first bath. No family came to visit until the next morning so we had the whole night to get to know him. I feel amazing. Feel confident about my birth. People always seem so sad for me, but I'm not.

It's gonna be a good year...

HOLY MOLY! it seems like just yesterday 2010 started. and seems like 4-5 hours ago I found out I was pregnant again!
Now, I'm 30 weeks along and it's mere hours until 2011!
Ethan is growing up so quickly. He's into everything (and climbing a ton) and talking up a storm! I so enjoy this stage, but every stage is my favorite one.
Kellan will be here in about 2 months. I won the bet with Andrew on if it would be a boy or girl. He's kicking up a storm in my belly right now (he loooove apples, which is a great, healthy choice for me, too!)

The VBAC plans are still going well. I'm trying to stay on top of my blood sugar, but I figure I will have to switch to insulin within the next week or two. I hope to avoid it if I can though...

Thoughts on the birth of Ethan

As I sat, looking through the pictures of another beautiful birth story, I couldn't help but feel sad and mad and angry and a little queasy. I didn't get that beautiful birth story. I didn't get to be the first person to hold my baby. Heck, I was the last person in the room to see him. I didn't cry tears of joy when I heard him cry for the first time (which is incredible when you think about it, as I'm the biggest crier in the world almost). I didn't get to smile in his face and let people take pictures of his first moments while Andrew stared lovingly at both of us. I was robbed. I trusted the wrong person to help me make decisions about the birth of my child and I laid on an operating table while someone clinically cut me open, ripped out my son, handed him off to someone who took him across the room. I listened to him cry for me. I listened to the nurses talk to my baby while I laid there, numb, not just from the chest down, but all over. My husband cut the cord and I didn't see it. He took Ethan's first picture and I didn't see it. He picked him up and held him and I couldn't see it.

This time, it has to be different, things have to be different. I can't take this pain two times in a row. I love Ethan with all my heart and I'd go through that surgery another thousand times if it meant he'd be here safely now. But it isn't fair. It isn't right. People tell me to "get over it", but I can't and I won't. I'm making my life better and my experience better, because now I know better. Pictures of a baby's first moments should be one's of joy for everyone, but mostly, seeing other people's happy moments makes me feel sad and hurt and a little numb again.

This picture is my favorite and least favorite picture. It should be different, I should be in it.

And another one bites the dust...

Andrew and I are expecting another bundle of joy in late February or early March! Due to my previous stories (read my previous posts) we are super happy that this didn't take as long, though the timing isn't perfect. I'm hoping for a VBAC this time around. I got a new doctor and I love her! Well, I love her staff so far, I haven't met her yet.

We are working on getting finances completely in order so this is easy to deal with financially. It's going to be an interesting few months and I'm excited to see where things go from here.

The Road to Ethan's birthday.

Now that I've blogged about how I got pregnant, I figured it'd be interesting to see how I got to Ethan's birthday. The long road called pregnancy! At 16 weeks, I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. I had been steadily losing weight so they wanted to check things out (especially since I didn't throw up my entire pregnancy). I kept my gestational diabetes under control by diet alone until I was 35-36 weeks pregnant, when I went on pills to level out my morning sugars.

We moved to Saint Louis when I was about 18 weeks and I got a new OBGYN. From the first time I met her, she had decided I was having a c-section. I believed they had my due date wrong all along (about two weeks later than it actually was) and that's why I was measuring big, but overall she was a very supportive OB and said "we'll see". She didn't like GD patients to go much past 39 weeks because of complications. At 38 weeks, I had an ultrasound. Ethan was measuring at 41 weeks + and my placenta was showing signs of dying. The choice was made for me to schedule a c-section for the next week.

On the morning of June 16th , I got up bright and early and we went to IHOP for breakfast (around 5am), my c-section was scheduled for 6:00pm. I started having bloody show and contractions about that time and knew that either way at the end of the day I was probably going to have a baby. I tried to nap and couldn't, I was so excited and in a little bit of pain. After checking into the hospital and waiting for the doc (getting the IV and all that) she came in and was very surprised to see that I was having contractions, but on we went with the c-section.

When I got into the OR, I got the spinal block, once they laid me down I became very sick and told the anesthesiologist. He gave me blood pressure medicine, saying that my blood pressure had dropped really low. When the first dose didn't help at all, he gave me a second dose. At that point I had become loopy and Andrew walked into the OR and said, "why do you have that doofy looking smile on your face?" I just laughed at him.

At 6:30pm exactly, Ethan was here! He took a gulp of amniotic fluid right before coming out and so he didn't cry right away. One quick suction and I heard him and teared up. At that point, everything happened so fast. Andrew stood up to go see him and the nurses whisked him to the other side of the room. No one bothered to show him to me. His apgar scores were 8, then 9. He was too big for the regular scale (read: too long) so they got another one out and I got to see him. It was love at first sight!

When we left the OR, I got to hold him, and he opened up his beautiful brown eyes and looked right at me. It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

OLD POST--From February 2008

I have PCOS. What is that most people ask, well I've put together a blog so you will know. This disease is a big part of my life, so before you go making fun of some of the syptoms I have, know that it is most likely part of my disease, and not me not taking care of myself. I am sensitive to the fact that I can't get pregnant, and have been trying for almost two years, and I'm really sensitive to the fact of people asking all the time when we are having kids.

Here are some facts about PCOS:
What is polycystic ovarian syndrome?
Polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), also known by the name Stein–Leventhal syndrome, is a hormonal problem that causes women to have a variety of symptoms.
What are the symptoms of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)?
The symptoms of PCOS include:
• infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
• infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating
• increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes—a condition called hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um)
• ovarian cysts
• acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
• insulin resistance or type 2 diabetes
• high cholesterol
• high blood pressure
• male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
• skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• pelvic pain
• anxiety or depression due to appearance and/or infertility
• sleep apnea—excessive snoring and times when breathing stops while asleep

Clomiphene citrate (Brand names: "Clomid" or "Serophene"). Clomid is taken for 5 days early in your cycle to stimulate ovulation. Clomid may not be effective if taken for more than six menstrual cycles.
There is some evidence to suggest it may increase your risk of ovarian cancer if taken for 12 or more cycles. Clomid also has a number of side effects including bowel problems, headache, dizziness, blurred vision, depression, and more.
After taking Clomid for up to six cycles, it is reported that you have a 30% chance of becoming pregnant. (1)
Metformin (Brand name: Glucophage). Metformin is an insulin-sensitizing agent that is sometimes used in conjunction with Clomid. Metformin may increase your fertility to the extent that it reduces insulin resistance, and thus helps to normalize insulin. Too much insulin reduces your fertility. For more information, please go to our Metformin page.